The Ten Greatest Local TV Commercials of ALL TIME!

10.  Crazy Gideon's  (Los Angeles)
It can be said that Gideon Kotzer, or "Crazy Gideon" was never a fan of subtlety.  He always goes for that loud, fast, breaking-shit advertising angle.  Crazy Gideon's went out of business in 2010 but it's legend lives on forever in YouTubeLand with these, dare I say, awesome spots.

9.  Berger and Green Insurance  (Pittsburgh)
At first glance, Larry Berger of Berger and Green Insurance, seems to be trying to sell you C4 explosives.  But no, he is yet another accident attorney trying to get you the big cash for having scars, broken bones, burns, paralysis, or any permanent injury.  I'm not sure ANYONE could survive ANYTHING going on right behind him.

8.  Golden Gate Funeral Home  (Dallas)
I don't know much about the Golden Gate Funeral Home.  Mostly because when I clicked the About Us icon on their website it led me to this. Well, that pretty much clears everything up.  Thank you, Golden Gate Funeral Home! 

7.  Martin's Fine Furniture  (Indianapolis)
It's not made clear why Martin, keeps blasting away the Martians, who presumably came in to shop at his funiture store.  The reason could be in the closing remarks of the ad-  "Mr. Martin do all these Martians buy our funiture?"  "Yeah, and I hope they don't expect free delivery all the way to Mars!"  "You got that right!"  Harsh punishment, indeed.

6.  SLCC Barbering and Cosmetology School  (Salt Lake City)
I'm not sure how comfortable I would feel getting any good or services from any place of business that seems to be bragging about the fact that they don't have a license.  However, that $2 price can't be beat!

5.  Moo & Oink  (Chicago)
One of the greatest things to ever come out of the South-side of Chicago (next to Jim Croce's hit "Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown" and the White Sox) were these spots for the now closed chain of grocery stores for Moo & Oink.  A wholesaler that catered to the inner-city community and south suburbs.  This just might be might favorite commercial jingle EVER.

4.  Vern Fonk Insurance (Seattle)
Mr. Fonk, despite seemingly wishing us all happy holidays next to his family, is scaring the shit out of me.  Did he mean for this commercial to be so sinister looking?

3.  Tonkin  (Portland)
This very well might be the most "epic" local commercial I've ever seen.  But I still wouldn't use the term "epic" to describe ANYTHING because I hate people that do that.

2.  Mr. Appliance  (Eugene)
My good friend Jesse Smith lived in Eugene, OR for a few years and he had this to say about meeting Mr. Appliance himself-
"I needed to buy this heating element for my dryer so I went there, because I was curious after seeing the ads.   When I got to the store it was completely cluttered and he was sitting at his computer playing Minesweeper and trying to ignore me.  I asked him for the piece and without taking his eyes off the game he told me to look over in a pile of boxes for it.  After digging around for what felt like forever I finally found it.  He rang it up and bragged "It's $8.75 that is $1.25 cheaper than my ex-wive's store across the street."   I then asked him how much his T-shirts were.  "They say $10 on that sign over there..." he said rather condescendingly.  The sign was buried behind a stack of boxes I couldn't see.  "....that means they are $10."  I never went back to his store again, but I heard that he was spotted at the movie theatre trying to get a free ticket because of his celebrity status."

1.  Eagleman Insurance  (Chicago)
???????????????????????   If this came on TV late night while I was half asleep I might think someone had slipped me LSD or that I was losing my mind.  Either way, it has my utmost respect.

Ten Awful Movies by Academy Award-Winning Directors

10.  Jack  (1996)
Francis Ford Coppola (The Godfather Part II)
After years of body-switching comedies like Big, Like Father Like Son, Vice Versa, etc., the powers at be in Hollywood decided it was time yet again to mine laughs over what it would be like if a little boy was in a man's body.  And what better director to take them there than Mr. Heart of Darkness himself, Francis Ford Coppola.  Jack currently has a 17% approval rating on Rottentomatoes.

9.  Toys  (1992)
Barry Levinson  (Rain Man)
Hey look, It's Robin Williams again!  In 1992, Barry Levinson had established himself as one of the most important directors in the industry with a number of solid hits (including the Oscar-winning Rain Man) which gave him free reign over his choice of projects.  So what did he decide to do when he was given keys to the kingdom?  His long in the works pet-project/bomb TOYS.  Williams plays a man/child again who's trying to stop his evil uncle from taking over the family toy company in order to make weapons for the government.  It doesn't make any sense.  And neither did the trailer, which features Williams, out of character, in a field doing his hyper, manic schtick.

8.  The Hand  (1981)
Oliver Stone  (Platoon)
Before soaring to Oscar gold with heavy dramas like Platoon and Born On The Forth of July, Stone was just another director-for-hire making schlocky horror crap.  The Hand features Michael Caine (in a performance the pre-dates his fine work in Jaws: The Revenge) as a comic book artist who loses his hand, which in turn takes on a murderous life of its own.  In the end, it turns out that he had never lost his hand, and that he's been killing people himself the whole time.  (Spoiler Alert!)

7.  Caged Heat  (1974)
Jonathan Demme  (The Silence of the Lambs)
The ground-breaking director of Philadelphia (the first movie from a major studio to address the issue of AIDS directly) wasn't always so highbrow.  Back in the 70's Demme decided to add a colorful entry in the "Women Behind Bars" genre with Caged Heat, the story of inmates of a women's prison who decide to rise up against they're oppressive warden played by Barbara Steele.  I like that name.

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6.  The Rookie  (1990)
Clint Eastwood  (Unforgiven, Million Dollar Baby)
While doing press for The Dead Pool in 1989, Eastwood was quoted as saying "I have a project for this spring that will be full of action. It's another cop picture, very different from this one. It has its own character and if it's done well it can turn out to be something good. Charlie Sheen will play the rookie and I'll play the mature cop."  In theory, the mismatched teaming up of Eastwood/Sheen should've been way funnier than it was.  Instead, Sheen plays down his role to an almost laconic state, giving us the limp pairing of the old, cranky cop with the young, silent cop.

5.  The Karate Kid part III (1989)
John G. Avildsen  (Rocky)
I'm not sure if you can still refer to someone as "Kid" if that person is, in fact, a 27-year-old man.  That was the age of Ralph Macchio when he stepped into the role of Daniel LaRusso for the third time to round out the KK trilogy.  Director John G. Avildsen decided for once to stop ripping off his , and own Rocky, and just start ripping off his own movies that ripped off Rocky.  Which is why this movie feels almost like a remake of the original, leading to a showdown at the same Karate Tournament.

4.  The Postman (1997)
Kevin Costner  (Dances With Wolves)
This trailer is really long and boring...just like the movie.  If you wondered how someone like Costner, who was the number one box office draw in the early 90s, could end up starring in a made-for-The History Channel-mini series in 2012, look no further.

3.  Blue Steel  (1989)
Kathryn Bigelow  (The Hurt Locker)
In 2010, Kathryn Bigelow became the first woman to win the Academy Award for Best Director.  In 1989, she made that one movie where Jamie Lee Curtis plays a rookie cop who's dating a serial killer.  I saw this last year and two things really stand out- 1.  Holy shit she's stupid for being a policewoman and not knowing that the guy you're dating is also the serial killer you're looking for.  2.  Ron Silver gets killed, then suddenly jumps up back to life more times in this movie than Jason Vorhees ever did.

2.  Cruising  (1980)
William Friedkin  (The French Connection)
I'm not sure if I'm remembering this correctly but I believe one of my friends from film school told me that he had bought a ticket to a Midnight Screening of this at some college theater in Phoenix and was disappointed when the theater decided not to show it that night.  The reason for this was because it happened to be September 11, 2001, and suddenly showing a homosexual thriller from the 80s starring Al Pacino suddenly didn't seem like a priority.  I was amused when he told me how upset he was over it.

1.  Piranha Part Two: The Spawning  (1981) 
James Cameron  (Titanic)
Even "The King Of The World" had to start somewhere...

THE TEN BEST VALENTINE'S DAY SONGS EVER!!!

10.  "Delia's gone"  Johnny Cash
Another upbeat, lightweight tune from Mr. Happy himself.  The perfect song to set the mood when you pick your gal up if it's your first date this Valentine's.

9.  "Shitlist"  L7
Nothing makes your sweetheart feel more special than simply letting them know how much you appreciate them.

8.  "Blacken your eyes"  ICP
A heartwarming ballad on how important physical contact can be.

7.  "Three Biggest Lies"  David Allen Coe
"Sweet-talking", or "pillow talk" if you will, is also important for any healthy sexual relationship.

6.  "Slap you around"  GWAR
Again, physical contact is very important.  Saying "I love you" is fine, but sometimes you can't express how you feel to someone in words alone.

5.  "Real Talk"  R. Kelly
Communication is key.  Always let the one you love in on how you're feeling.

4.  "I used to love her"  Guns N' Roses
Sometimes long relationships can grow stale.  The best way to rejuvenate your love may be to look to the past.  Make that long strong again!

3.  "Smell Yo Dick"  Riskay
Trust is one of the most important things a couple should have.   Any healthy partnership depends on respect, space, and love.

2.  "Show me your genitals"  Jon Lajoie
A little kinky play may be the best thing to spice up your love life.

1.  "Fuck it"  Eamon
Well this song isn't very nice.  It shouldn't be on this list.

The Ten Greatest Celebrity Interviews...EVER!

10.  Joe Namath hits on reporter during interview.
Supposedly, Broadway Joe got his nickname by his teammates for his way with the broads. Here he is turning on that Namath charm during a side-line interview from 2003.

9.  Tracy Morgan pretty wasted on live tv in Texas.
Before he got himself in trouble with some anti-gay remarks, Tracy Morgan was already a total nutbag.  As seen in this hilarious clip.

8.  Andrew Dice Clay gets miffed on CNN.
Back in 1990, Andrew "Dice" Clay capped off his extremely successfull stand-up career by selling out Madison Square Garden for two nights in a row, the only comedian ever to do so.  But for years, Clay's shock-style of comedy had attracted many critics, calling it misogynistic, racist, and homophobic.  After several starring roles in flops both in tv and film, Clay's public appeal softened and the comic began running a gym in 1997.  Just don't ask him about it, because he gets super-pissed.

7.   Jim Everett physically attacks Jim Rome during interview.
In 1989, Rams' quarterback Jim Everett was reportedly "shellshocked" from the numerous times he was sacked against the 49ers in the NFC championship game.  At one point, Everett was so spooked that he collapsed to the ground in anticipation of yet another sack, even though the 49ers' defensive players hadn't actually reached him yet – a play now known as Everett's "Phantom Sack".
Sports talk-show host Jim Rome, began mocking Everett by calling him "Chris" Everett (a reference to female tennis player Chris Evert.  HAHA!  Get it?  He called him a GIRL, wow...hilarskees!). In 1994, Everett appeared as a guest on Rome's show Talk2 and within the first 30 seconds Rome applied the insult twice. Everett was not amused, leading to one of the greatest moments in the history of sports.  ESPN shows this clip at least 20 times a day.  Seriously, switch over to ESPN right now and I bet they're playing it.

6.  Sean Connery explains why hitting a woman isn't that bad.
In a 1965 interview with Playboy, Connery basically said that it was okay to slap a woman but only if she was being a bitch.  Many years later, Barbra Walters brought it up hoping to get a retraction.  To her surprise, Connery says the same thing in slightly more detail.

5.  Madonna spends almost entire show busting Dave Letterman's balls.
When Madonna was interviewed on Late Show with David Letterman on March 31, 1994, her foul language, including sayig "fuck" thirteen times, made the episode the most censored in American network television talk-show history (whatever that means). It also resulted in some of the highest ratings of Letterman's late-night career.  I guess talking about Charles Barkley's penis will do that.

4.  James Brown high out of his mind on morning LA talk show.
After being arrested for assaulting his wife with a lead pipe (yes, a lead pipe, much like a character from the board game Clue) the Godfather of Soul stopped by this morning LA talk show to give us one of the most insane/funny interviews of all time.

3.  Marlon Brando tries to feed Larry King dog food, then slaps and kisses him as they sing a song together. 
In 1994...by the way, have you noticed that a lot of these on this list are from 1994?  I guess 1994 must be for celebrity interviews what 1984 was to gay music videos.  Anyway, in 1994 the reclusive Brando agreed to appear on Larry King Live to fulfill his contract with Random House that required him to do at least one interview to promote his book Songs My Mother Taught Me.  After avoiding questions about his acting, youth, or past films, Brando babbles on incoherently on a variety of subjects then caps off the interview in an appropriately looney fashion.

2. Mike Tyson in pretty much every interview he's ever given.
When it comes to saying crazy shit during an interview, no one (with the exception of Charles Manson) can hold a candle to Iron Mike. Really though, it must be hard to live a large part of your life in front of the camera. Or, in Mike's own words-
"If I take this camera and put it in your face for twenty years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

1.  Richard Pryor
Probably the funniest, loosest interview ever conducted, it was done on the set of Stir Crazy in 1979.  Pryor was most likely out of his mind on drugs at the time, but it still doesn't diminish just how hilarious and honest he could be. 

The Ten Greatest Rap Songs EVER! (about bad movies)

10.  "Addams Groove"  Hammer    
The Addams Family (1991) 
"The Addams don't want to hurt anyone, they just want to have FUN." says psychologist Hammer at the tail end of this extremely weird-ass video.  I'm not sure what inspired the producers to think that a rap song would be the perfect track for a movie about an eccentric, rich, goth, white family.  Hey, I guess they just do what they want to do.  Zing!

9.  "Wild Wild West" Will Smith  
Wild Wild West (1999)
The title song to one of the biggest flops of all time!  That is, if you consider making $222 million to be a flop.  The film is generally considered to be Will Smith's biggest failure with audiences and critics.  However, it actually managed to reach #1 on the Billboard charts in 1999 and the extended music video became a hit on MTV (before the movie was released).  Also, it's probably the last time we'll see Shakespeare auteur Kenneth Branaugh and "Thong Song" singer Sisqo in anything together.

8.  "Now I Know Why You Want To Hate Me" Limp Bizkit  
Mission Impossible: 2 (2000)
Honestly, I don't know what any of these lyrics mean.  I'm not sure Fred Durst does either.
Sample lyric:

"I don’t even know what I should say
Cuz im an idiot, a loser, microphone abuser
I analyze every second I exist
Beating on my mind every second with my fist"

What?  Well the first two lines don't rhyme at all.  But at least he's being honest here.  Although, since this was written for Mission Impossible 2, it's hard to tell if Durst is referring to Tom Cruise's character.  I doubt Cruise would describe his hero/daredevil character Ethan Hunt as an idiot, loser, or even microphone abuser but you never know.

7.  "Spirit"  Doug E. Fresh & The Get-Fresh Crew  
Ghostbusters 2 (1989)
This is probably my favorite song on this list.  Doug E. Fresh is one of the all time greatest beat boxers.  It starts out with Mr. Fresh pondering what it means to have a soul, or "spirit", if you will.  Pretty deep for late-80's hip-hop.  Then, he starts dropping in lines like "GHOSTBUSTERS, it's like that y'all!" and the song goes to shit.

6.  "Deepest Bluest"  LL Cool J
 Deep Blue Sea (1999)
There's a stigma in sci-fi/horror films that the black characters always die (Alien, The Shining, Jurassic Park, Rocky IV).  I have a theory that the exception to this rule is that the black characters always get killed off, unless they can rap. (i.e. Ice Cube in Anaconda).  Nothing proves my (BS) theory more than the 1999 camp classic Deep Blue Sea.  Halfway through, the lead character, played by Samuel L. Jackson, is chomped in two by a shark right in the middle of his big emoting speech.  Yet, it's rapper LL Cool as the survivor.

5.  "Go Ninja Go"   Vanilla Ice   
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze  (1991)
Even 21 years later I'm still pissed off at this movie.  Who the fuck are Tokka and Rahzar?  Everyone knows it's supposed to be Bebop and Rocksteady!  And why aren't the Ninja Turtles using there weapons?  And what happened to the lady that played April O'Neal in the last movie?  Damn, I'm still pissed off.  Even getting Pizza Hut afterwards wasn't enough to cheer me up.  I never smiled again after that day.

4.  "Grinch 2000"  Busta Rhymes/Jim Carrey   
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
I've tried to sit through this song three times and have never made it past the first minute.  It's that bad.  If anyone listens to the whole thing send me an email and let me know how it is.  As for now, I will consider it an embarrassment for everyone involved.  Especially Dr. Seuss.

3. "Are You Ready For Freddy?"  The Fat Boys 
A Nightmare On Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master (1988)
Even though the song/video isn't exactly funny/scary/good in any way, somehow I'm still insanely jealous of my brother-in-law for having a framed, vinyl copy hanging up in he and my sister's home in Chicago.  Every time I go for a visit I find myself staring up at it, enchanted by it's magnificence.  Maybe he'll give it to me if I ask for it nicely. 

2.  "Maniac Cop Rap"  Jay Chattaway
Maniac Cop 2  (1990)
This song is so obscure I'm not even sure who it's by.  After searching on the net for awhile (about 3 minutes) with no luck I gave up.  The music to the film is credited to Jay Chattaway, the composer for such classic tv shows as Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I highly doubt Chattaway, who was 44 at the time of the film's release, is the one rapping behind the mic.  Especially since there are clearly two MC's on this track.  But, I guess if no one wants to take the credit for the "Maniac Cop Rap" then I'll take it.  Heading over to Wikipedia and Imdb to add myself as the performer right now.

1.  "City of Crime"  Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks
Dragnet (1987)
And now, I proudly present Academy Award Nominee Dan Aykroyd and two-time Academy Award Winner Tom Hanks in...this monstrosity.

The Ten Greatest Gay Music Videos...EVER!

10.  "Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do)"  Wham!  (1982)
I suppose you could take any Wham! song and put it on this list.  They're kind of an easy and obvious choice, given George Michael's history of lewd acts in public bathrooms.   But I think it would feel somehow incomplete without Wham! on it.  Also, I couldn't come up with a #10 pick because all The Village People's music videos are blocked from embedding on YouTube.  Plus, I'm not that clever.  Anyway, here's Wham! getting their hip-hop groove on in leather jackets, jeans, and t-shirts; the perfect ensemble for any gangsta' thug.

9.  "I Want to Break Free"  Queen  (1984)
Before tragically succumbing to complications from AIDS in 1991, Queen's lead singer Freddie Mercury was one of the most acclaimed front-men in rock n' roll history.  His four-octave vocal range and flamboyant stage persona lead Queen to 18 number one albums, 18 number one singles, and (from some estimates) selling 300 million albums worldwide.  At around the 3:00 mark, you can watch him slide face first over a bunch of crotches and butts.

8.  "I'm Too Sexy"  Right Said Fred  (1992)
In the summer of 1992, Americans were swept off their feet by the British trio Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy", a song satirizing narcissism in the fashion world.  Much like other infamous ear worms like "The Macerena" and "La Vida Loca" the public and media loved the catchy hook...then realized the song was awful and swore never to mention it again. 

7.  "Wild Boys"  Duran Duran  (1984)
I had never heard of this song, much less seen the video before I started putting this list together.  Now I've watched it three times.  It's got expensive production values and a lot of weird costumes/choreography/early CGI going on and the lyrics are about...uh...wild boys, I guess, but other than that...I'm drawing a blank.  I think the video must be one of those Men In Black memory-wipe things that fries your brain because I really can't think of anything after watching it.  I'm afraid if i see it one more time I might...er...what was I talking about?

6.   "You Think You're A Man"  Divine  (1984)
Like many people, I was first exposed to Divine through John Waters' notorious 1972 cult-classic Pink Flamingos, in which the actor eats real dog shit on camera.  Not the most conventional way to introduce yourself to the public, but hey, it worked!   Divine ended up starring in ten of Waters' films and even became a notable character actor before his/her sad death in 1988.  Apparently, he/she also released some albums with a few songs even breaking the top 40 charts in countries like New Zealand and Germany, including this one off The Story So Far.  Not really a great song, but be warned:  it's a catchy mofo that will be stuck your head for at least 24 hours and it's really not something you should be singing out loud around the office.

5.  "The Crying Game"  Boy George (1992)
In case you've never seen it, the 1992 film The Crying Game is your basic boy-meets-girl story.  Only halfway through the girl takes off her dress and has a penis.  When writer/director Neil Jordon was looking for someone to record a cover of the 1964 Dave Berry tune (for which the film takes it's name) he asked 80's icon Boy George, possibly to crank the gay themed film to 11.

4.  "Hot Rockin"  Judas Priest  (1981)
In 1998 Judas Priest's lead singer Rob Halford came out and became the first openly gay heavy-metal singer.  The most shocking thing about the reveal was that it came 17 years after this video, which pretty much leaves no question about the group's homosexual overtones.  The first part of the video features Halford and the rest of the band hitting the gym; lifting weights shirtless, singing in the shower, and relaxing in the sauna.  Nothing really "gay" per se about any of those things, but...uhhh...

3.  "Rock Me Tonight"  Billy Squier  (1984)
Have you noticed that a lot of these are from the year 1984?  What was with that year?  Anyhoo, so this is the video that killed Billy Squier's career.  In it, Squier puts on a pink tank top and prances around.  That's it.  I guess a lot of people thought Squier was gay, or on drugs after seeing it.  I don't understand what all the hoopla was about.  I mean, daaaaaaaamn...that kid can dance!

2.  "Dancing In the Streets" David Bowie and Mick Jagger  (1985)
This probably wouldn've been #1 if Family Guy hadn't already pointed out how unsettling it is by playing the video almost in it's entirety, after which Brian, the dog, says "We ALL let that happen."  Bowie's ex-wife claims that around the time of filming she caught Bowie and Jagger in bed together...naked.  Years later during a press conference one reporter questioned Jagger about the incident asking "Did you sleep with David Bowie?" to which he responded "Of course!".  Case closed**

1.  "Life at the Outpost"  Skatt Brothers  (1979)
There is nothing homosexual about this video at all.  I don't know why it's on this list.

**No case actually exists.

The Ten Most Bat-Shit-Crazy TV Sitcoms EVER

10.  "Dinosaurs"  (1991-1994)
Three years before his death, Jim Henson shopped his idea around of a standard sitcom about dinosaurs and how their toxic lifestyle threatens to end their society.  Most of the tv execs immediately called the police and the show's concept was shelved.  But after the unexpected success of The Simpsons, the powers at be had a change of heart and the show ended up lasting three seasons on ABC.   Ending with a surprisingly dark series finale, where the ice age hits and all the main characters presumably die.

9. "Get A Life"  (1990-1992)
One of the most polarizing shows in FOX's history, "Get A Life" lasted two whole seasons before being axed.  Which is remarkable, considering (according to Elliot) ALL of the execs at FOX hated it during it's initial run.  It's easy to see why;  Elliot plays a 30-year-old paperboy still living at home who's man-child antics lead him into surreal situations.  Sometimes even leading to his death, which included being crushed by a giant boulder, getting stabbed, shot, falling from an airplane, getting run over, choking on cereal, and just exploding, among others.

8.  "ALF"  (1986-1990)
ALF, short for Alien Life Form, was a big hit for NBC in the mid-to-late eighties.  Families, especially kids loved the premise of a friendly, wise-cracking extraterrestrial (operated and voiced by puppeteer, Paul Fusco) living with the average American/suburban family.  Here's some reflections on ALF, from it's cast:

"there was no joy on the set...it was a technical nightmare – extremely slow, hot and tedious... a 30-minute show took 20, 25 hours to shoot."

"some of [the crew] had difficult personalities. The whole thing was a big dysfunctional family."

"If ALF had gone one more year, everybody would have lost it."

"[I was] hugely eager to have ALF over with."

"It's astonishing that ALF really was wonderful and that word never got out what a mess our set really was."

7.  "Small Wonder"  (1985-1989)
Say you're an inventor/engineer and one day you figure out how to solve that pesky little problem of A.I. and decide to build your very own helper robot.  What design would you go with?  Nurse?  French Maid?  Well, if you're Ted Lawson (played by Dick Christie...yeah, Dick Christie), you model your new robo-slave after a little girl.  Perv.

6.  "Woops!"  (1992)
Just one year after the fall of the Soviet Union, FOX decided it was time to send-up all that Cold War nuclear holocaust paranoia with "Woops!", a post-apocalyptic sitcom.  Yes, a post-apocalyptic sitcom.  The show centered around six survivors living together in an abandoned farm house while trying to survive and re-establish civilization after some kids accidentally set off a nuke during a parade.  My first question: Why was there a truck carrying a nuclear weapon in a parade?  My second question:  You know what? Forget it.  There's too many questions.  We'll be here all day.

5.  "My Mother The Car"  (1965-1966)
I bet you can take a guess what this one is about.  One day, an attorney, played by Jerry Van Dyke (the second funniest-Van Dyke in history!), goes shopping for a station wagon but stumbles upon a broken-down 1928 Porter that happens to speak with a woman's voice.  Coincidentally, the car turns out to be the reincarnation of his dead mother and blah blah blah...

4.  "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer"  (1998)
Here's an idea:  How about a sitcom set during the Civil War about an ex-slave who becomes Abraham Lincoln's valet and all the wacky shenanigans he gets into from the drunks and layabouts surrounding him?  I mean, come on!  Who could possibly find that offensive?  Well, the NAACP for one, who immediately boycotted the show, the network, and Paramount studios for producing it.  After airing only one episode (and ranking a solid 116th out of 125 television programs for that week) UPN quickly pulled it from it's line-up.

3.  "Out Of This World"  (1987-1991)
Evie, an only child living with her mother, turns thirteen and finds out her father is an alien from the planet Antareus who has passed onto her some of his super-alien powers.  She can not only stop time, but also has the power of gleep, which allows her to create objects with her mind.  Her parents met after her father Troy, a human-looking extra-terrestrial, crashed landed on earth and then "merged lifeforms" to create Evie.  She can communicate with her father (voiced by Burt Reynolds, who took his name off the show after the first season) via "the cube", a device the works as a telephone line to Antareus.  Did you get all that?  Neither did I.

2.  "Homeboys In Outer Space"  (1996-1997)
The plot:  Two "homeboys" (played by Morris Clay and another actor who goes by the name Flex) fly around the universe in a low rider-spaceship in the 23rd century.  I guess the thought here was to sort of make a cross between the shows Star Trek and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.  UPN was a new network at the time (and finally bit the dust in 2006) and was trying to capitalize on black audiences with shows like this and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfieffer (see above).  It's safe to say they failed miserably.

1.  "Heil Honey, I'm Home!"  (1990)
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!