The Ten Greatest Celebrity Interviews...EVER!

10.  Joe Namath hits on reporter during interview.
Supposedly, Broadway Joe got his nickname by his teammates for his way with the broads. Here he is turning on that Namath charm during a side-line interview from 2003.

9.  Tracy Morgan pretty wasted on live tv in Texas.
Before he got himself in trouble with some anti-gay remarks, Tracy Morgan was already a total nutbag.  As seen in this hilarious clip.

8.  Andrew Dice Clay gets miffed on CNN.
Back in 1990, Andrew "Dice" Clay capped off his extremely successfull stand-up career by selling out Madison Square Garden for two nights in a row, the only comedian ever to do so.  But for years, Clay's shock-style of comedy had attracted many critics, calling it misogynistic, racist, and homophobic.  After several starring roles in flops both in tv and film, Clay's public appeal softened and the comic began running a gym in 1997.  Just don't ask him about it, because he gets super-pissed.

7.   Jim Everett physically attacks Jim Rome during interview.
In 1989, Rams' quarterback Jim Everett was reportedly "shellshocked" from the numerous times he was sacked against the 49ers in the NFC championship game.  At one point, Everett was so spooked that he collapsed to the ground in anticipation of yet another sack, even though the 49ers' defensive players hadn't actually reached him yet – a play now known as Everett's "Phantom Sack".
Sports talk-show host Jim Rome, began mocking Everett by calling him "Chris" Everett (a reference to female tennis player Chris Evert.  HAHA!  Get it?  He called him a GIRL, wow...hilarskees!). In 1994, Everett appeared as a guest on Rome's show Talk2 and within the first 30 seconds Rome applied the insult twice. Everett was not amused, leading to one of the greatest moments in the history of sports.  ESPN shows this clip at least 20 times a day.  Seriously, switch over to ESPN right now and I bet they're playing it.

6.  Sean Connery explains why hitting a woman isn't that bad.
In a 1965 interview with Playboy, Connery basically said that it was okay to slap a woman but only if she was being a bitch.  Many years later, Barbra Walters brought it up hoping to get a retraction.  To her surprise, Connery says the same thing in slightly more detail.

5.  Madonna spends almost entire show busting Dave Letterman's balls.
When Madonna was interviewed on Late Show with David Letterman on March 31, 1994, her foul language, including sayig "fuck" thirteen times, made the episode the most censored in American network television talk-show history (whatever that means). It also resulted in some of the highest ratings of Letterman's late-night career.  I guess talking about Charles Barkley's penis will do that.

4.  James Brown high out of his mind on morning LA talk show.
After being arrested for assaulting his wife with a lead pipe (yes, a lead pipe, much like a character from the board game Clue) the Godfather of Soul stopped by this morning LA talk show to give us one of the most insane/funny interviews of all time.

3.  Marlon Brando tries to feed Larry King dog food, then slaps and kisses him as they sing a song together. 
In 1994...by the way, have you noticed that a lot of these on this list are from 1994?  I guess 1994 must be for celebrity interviews what 1984 was to gay music videos.  Anyway, in 1994 the reclusive Brando agreed to appear on Larry King Live to fulfill his contract with Random House that required him to do at least one interview to promote his book Songs My Mother Taught Me.  After avoiding questions about his acting, youth, or past films, Brando babbles on incoherently on a variety of subjects then caps off the interview in an appropriately looney fashion.

2. Mike Tyson in pretty much every interview he's ever given.
When it comes to saying crazy shit during an interview, no one (with the exception of Charles Manson) can hold a candle to Iron Mike. Really though, it must be hard to live a large part of your life in front of the camera. Or, in Mike's own words-
"If I take this camera and put it in your face for twenty years, I don't know what you might be. You might be a homosexual if I put that camera on you since you were 13 years old. I've been on that camera since I was 13 years old."

1.  Richard Pryor
Probably the funniest, loosest interview ever conducted, it was done on the set of Stir Crazy in 1979.  Pryor was most likely out of his mind on drugs at the time, but it still doesn't diminish just how hilarious and honest he could be. 

The Ten Greatest Rap Songs EVER! (about bad movies)

10.  "Addams Groove"  Hammer    
The Addams Family (1991) 
"The Addams don't want to hurt anyone, they just want to have FUN." says psychologist Hammer at the tail end of this extremely weird-ass video.  I'm not sure what inspired the producers to think that a rap song would be the perfect track for a movie about an eccentric, rich, goth, white family.  Hey, I guess they just do what they want to do.  Zing!

9.  "Wild Wild West" Will Smith  
Wild Wild West (1999)
The title song to one of the biggest flops of all time!  That is, if you consider making $222 million to be a flop.  The film is generally considered to be Will Smith's biggest failure with audiences and critics.  However, it actually managed to reach #1 on the Billboard charts in 1999 and the extended music video became a hit on MTV (before the movie was released).  Also, it's probably the last time we'll see Shakespeare auteur Kenneth Branaugh and "Thong Song" singer Sisqo in anything together.

8.  "Now I Know Why You Want To Hate Me" Limp Bizkit  
Mission Impossible: 2 (2000)
Honestly, I don't know what any of these lyrics mean.  I'm not sure Fred Durst does either.
Sample lyric:

"I don’t even know what I should say
Cuz im an idiot, a loser, microphone abuser
I analyze every second I exist
Beating on my mind every second with my fist"

What?  Well the first two lines don't rhyme at all.  But at least he's being honest here.  Although, since this was written for Mission Impossible 2, it's hard to tell if Durst is referring to Tom Cruise's character.  I doubt Cruise would describe his hero/daredevil character Ethan Hunt as an idiot, loser, or even microphone abuser but you never know.

7.  "Spirit"  Doug E. Fresh & The Get-Fresh Crew  
Ghostbusters 2 (1989)
This is probably my favorite song on this list.  Doug E. Fresh is one of the all time greatest beat boxers.  It starts out with Mr. Fresh pondering what it means to have a soul, or "spirit", if you will.  Pretty deep for late-80's hip-hop.  Then, he starts dropping in lines like "GHOSTBUSTERS, it's like that y'all!" and the song goes to shit.

6.  "Deepest Bluest"  LL Cool J
 Deep Blue Sea (1999)
There's a stigma in sci-fi/horror films that the black characters always die (Alien, The Shining, Jurassic Park, Rocky IV).  I have a theory that the exception to this rule is that the black characters always get killed off, unless they can rap. (i.e. Ice Cube in Anaconda).  Nothing proves my (BS) theory more than the 1999 camp classic Deep Blue Sea.  Halfway through, the lead character, played by Samuel L. Jackson, is chomped in two by a shark right in the middle of his big emoting speech.  Yet, it's rapper LL Cool as the survivor.

5.  "Go Ninja Go"   Vanilla Ice   
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze  (1991)
Even 21 years later I'm still pissed off at this movie.  Who the fuck are Tokka and Rahzar?  Everyone knows it's supposed to be Bebop and Rocksteady!  And why aren't the Ninja Turtles using there weapons?  And what happened to the lady that played April O'Neal in the last movie?  Damn, I'm still pissed off.  Even getting Pizza Hut afterwards wasn't enough to cheer me up.  I never smiled again after that day.

4.  "Grinch 2000"  Busta Rhymes/Jim Carrey   
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)
I've tried to sit through this song three times and have never made it past the first minute.  It's that bad.  If anyone listens to the whole thing send me an email and let me know how it is.  As for now, I will consider it an embarrassment for everyone involved.  Especially Dr. Seuss.

3. "Are You Ready For Freddy?"  The Fat Boys 
A Nightmare On Elm Street 4:  The Dream Master (1988)
Even though the song/video isn't exactly funny/scary/good in any way, somehow I'm still insanely jealous of my brother-in-law for having a framed, vinyl copy hanging up in he and my sister's home in Chicago.  Every time I go for a visit I find myself staring up at it, enchanted by it's magnificence.  Maybe he'll give it to me if I ask for it nicely. 

2.  "Maniac Cop Rap"  Jay Chattaway
Maniac Cop 2  (1990)
This song is so obscure I'm not even sure who it's by.  After searching on the net for awhile (about 3 minutes) with no luck I gave up.  The music to the film is credited to Jay Chattaway, the composer for such classic tv shows as Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I highly doubt Chattaway, who was 44 at the time of the film's release, is the one rapping behind the mic.  Especially since there are clearly two MC's on this track.  But, I guess if no one wants to take the credit for the "Maniac Cop Rap" then I'll take it.  Heading over to Wikipedia and Imdb to add myself as the performer right now.

1.  "City of Crime"  Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks
Dragnet (1987)
And now, I proudly present Academy Award Nominee Dan Aykroyd and two-time Academy Award Winner Tom Hanks in...this monstrosity.

The Ten Greatest Gay Music Videos...EVER!

10.  "Wham Rap! (Enjoy What You Do)"  Wham!  (1982)
I suppose you could take any Wham! song and put it on this list.  They're kind of an easy and obvious choice, given George Michael's history of lewd acts in public bathrooms.   But I think it would feel somehow incomplete without Wham! on it.  Also, I couldn't come up with a #10 pick because all The Village People's music videos are blocked from embedding on YouTube.  Plus, I'm not that clever.  Anyway, here's Wham! getting their hip-hop groove on in leather jackets, jeans, and t-shirts; the perfect ensemble for any gangsta' thug.

9.  "I Want to Break Free"  Queen  (1984)
Before tragically succumbing to complications from AIDS in 1991, Queen's lead singer Freddie Mercury was one of the most acclaimed front-men in rock n' roll history.  His four-octave vocal range and flamboyant stage persona lead Queen to 18 number one albums, 18 number one singles, and (from some estimates) selling 300 million albums worldwide.  At around the 3:00 mark, you can watch him slide face first over a bunch of crotches and butts.

8.  "I'm Too Sexy"  Right Said Fred  (1992)
In the summer of 1992, Americans were swept off their feet by the British trio Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy", a song satirizing narcissism in the fashion world.  Much like other infamous ear worms like "The Macerena" and "La Vida Loca" the public and media loved the catchy hook...then realized the song was awful and swore never to mention it again. 

7.  "Wild Boys"  Duran Duran  (1984)
I had never heard of this song, much less seen the video before I started putting this list together.  Now I've watched it three times.  It's got expensive production values and a lot of weird costumes/choreography/early CGI going on and the lyrics are about...uh...wild boys, I guess, but other than that...I'm drawing a blank.  I think the video must be one of those Men In Black memory-wipe things that fries your brain because I really can't think of anything after watching it.  I'm afraid if i see it one more time I might...er...what was I talking about?

6.   "You Think You're A Man"  Divine  (1984)
Like many people, I was first exposed to Divine through John Waters' notorious 1972 cult-classic Pink Flamingos, in which the actor eats real dog shit on camera.  Not the most conventional way to introduce yourself to the public, but hey, it worked!   Divine ended up starring in ten of Waters' films and even became a notable character actor before his/her sad death in 1988.  Apparently, he/she also released some albums with a few songs even breaking the top 40 charts in countries like New Zealand and Germany, including this one off The Story So Far.  Not really a great song, but be warned:  it's a catchy mofo that will be stuck your head for at least 24 hours and it's really not something you should be singing out loud around the office.

5.  "The Crying Game"  Boy George (1992)
In case you've never seen it, the 1992 film The Crying Game is your basic boy-meets-girl story.  Only halfway through the girl takes off her dress and has a penis.  When writer/director Neil Jordon was looking for someone to record a cover of the 1964 Dave Berry tune (for which the film takes it's name) he asked 80's icon Boy George, possibly to crank the gay themed film to 11.

4.  "Hot Rockin"  Judas Priest  (1981)
In 1998 Judas Priest's lead singer Rob Halford came out and became the first openly gay heavy-metal singer.  The most shocking thing about the reveal was that it came 17 years after this video, which pretty much leaves no question about the group's homosexual overtones.  The first part of the video features Halford and the rest of the band hitting the gym; lifting weights shirtless, singing in the shower, and relaxing in the sauna.  Nothing really "gay" per se about any of those things, but...uhhh...

3.  "Rock Me Tonight"  Billy Squier  (1984)
Have you noticed that a lot of these are from the year 1984?  What was with that year?  Anyhoo, so this is the video that killed Billy Squier's career.  In it, Squier puts on a pink tank top and prances around.  That's it.  I guess a lot of people thought Squier was gay, or on drugs after seeing it.  I don't understand what all the hoopla was about.  I mean, daaaaaaaamn...that kid can dance!

2.  "Dancing In the Streets" David Bowie and Mick Jagger  (1985)
This probably wouldn've been #1 if Family Guy hadn't already pointed out how unsettling it is by playing the video almost in it's entirety, after which Brian, the dog, says "We ALL let that happen."  Bowie's ex-wife claims that around the time of filming she caught Bowie and Jagger in bed together...naked.  Years later during a press conference one reporter questioned Jagger about the incident asking "Did you sleep with David Bowie?" to which he responded "Of course!".  Case closed**

1.  "Life at the Outpost"  Skatt Brothers  (1979)
There is nothing homosexual about this video at all.  I don't know why it's on this list.

**No case actually exists.

The Ten Most Bat-Shit-Crazy TV Sitcoms EVER

10.  "Dinosaurs"  (1991-1994)
Three years before his death, Jim Henson shopped his idea around of a standard sitcom about dinosaurs and how their toxic lifestyle threatens to end their society.  Most of the tv execs immediately called the police and the show's concept was shelved.  But after the unexpected success of The Simpsons, the powers at be had a change of heart and the show ended up lasting three seasons on ABC.   Ending with a surprisingly dark series finale, where the ice age hits and all the main characters presumably die.

9. "Get A Life"  (1990-1992)
One of the most polarizing shows in FOX's history, "Get A Life" lasted two whole seasons before being axed.  Which is remarkable, considering (according to Elliot) ALL of the execs at FOX hated it during it's initial run.  It's easy to see why;  Elliot plays a 30-year-old paperboy still living at home who's man-child antics lead him into surreal situations.  Sometimes even leading to his death, which included being crushed by a giant boulder, getting stabbed, shot, falling from an airplane, getting run over, choking on cereal, and just exploding, among others.

8.  "ALF"  (1986-1990)
ALF, short for Alien Life Form, was a big hit for NBC in the mid-to-late eighties.  Families, especially kids loved the premise of a friendly, wise-cracking extraterrestrial (operated and voiced by puppeteer, Paul Fusco) living with the average American/suburban family.  Here's some reflections on ALF, from it's cast:

"there was no joy on the set...it was a technical nightmare – extremely slow, hot and tedious... a 30-minute show took 20, 25 hours to shoot."

"some of [the crew] had difficult personalities. The whole thing was a big dysfunctional family."

"If ALF had gone one more year, everybody would have lost it."

"[I was] hugely eager to have ALF over with."

"It's astonishing that ALF really was wonderful and that word never got out what a mess our set really was."

7.  "Small Wonder"  (1985-1989)
Say you're an inventor/engineer and one day you figure out how to solve that pesky little problem of A.I. and decide to build your very own helper robot.  What design would you go with?  Nurse?  French Maid?  Well, if you're Ted Lawson (played by Dick Christie...yeah, Dick Christie), you model your new robo-slave after a little girl.  Perv.

6.  "Woops!"  (1992)
Just one year after the fall of the Soviet Union, FOX decided it was time to send-up all that Cold War nuclear holocaust paranoia with "Woops!", a post-apocalyptic sitcom.  Yes, a post-apocalyptic sitcom.  The show centered around six survivors living together in an abandoned farm house while trying to survive and re-establish civilization after some kids accidentally set off a nuke during a parade.  My first question: Why was there a truck carrying a nuclear weapon in a parade?  My second question:  You know what? Forget it.  There's too many questions.  We'll be here all day.

5.  "My Mother The Car"  (1965-1966)
I bet you can take a guess what this one is about.  One day, an attorney, played by Jerry Van Dyke (the second funniest-Van Dyke in history!), goes shopping for a station wagon but stumbles upon a broken-down 1928 Porter that happens to speak with a woman's voice.  Coincidentally, the car turns out to be the reincarnation of his dead mother and blah blah blah...

4.  "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer"  (1998)
Here's an idea:  How about a sitcom set during the Civil War about an ex-slave who becomes Abraham Lincoln's valet and all the wacky shenanigans he gets into from the drunks and layabouts surrounding him?  I mean, come on!  Who could possibly find that offensive?  Well, the NAACP for one, who immediately boycotted the show, the network, and Paramount studios for producing it.  After airing only one episode (and ranking a solid 116th out of 125 television programs for that week) UPN quickly pulled it from it's line-up.

3.  "Out Of This World"  (1987-1991)
Evie, an only child living with her mother, turns thirteen and finds out her father is an alien from the planet Antareus who has passed onto her some of his super-alien powers.  She can not only stop time, but also has the power of gleep, which allows her to create objects with her mind.  Her parents met after her father Troy, a human-looking extra-terrestrial, crashed landed on earth and then "merged lifeforms" to create Evie.  She can communicate with her father (voiced by Burt Reynolds, who took his name off the show after the first season) via "the cube", a device the works as a telephone line to Antareus.  Did you get all that?  Neither did I.

2.  "Homeboys In Outer Space"  (1996-1997)
The plot:  Two "homeboys" (played by Morris Clay and another actor who goes by the name Flex) fly around the universe in a low rider-spaceship in the 23rd century.  I guess the thought here was to sort of make a cross between the shows Star Trek and The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.  UPN was a new network at the time (and finally bit the dust in 2006) and was trying to capitalize on black audiences with shows like this and The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfieffer (see above).  It's safe to say they failed miserably.

1.  "Heil Honey, I'm Home!"  (1990)
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?!

The Ten Best Movie Trailers...Ever! (for bad movies)

10.  Maximum Overdrive (1986)
Being the world's #1 best-selling author isn't enough for some guys.  After a string of successful hits based on his novels, Stephen King decided to branch out into writing/directing with the sci-fi/horror film- Maximum Overdrive, based on his story, "Trucks".  The movie involves a ragtag bunch of misfits held up at a rest stop while machines take over the earth.  Automobiles turn out to be the biggest threat, circling the parking lot while the main characters (including Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle, and Lisa Simpson) try to figure out what to do next.  King narrates the trailer, promising to "...scare THE HELL out of you", unconvincingly.

9.  Ben and Arthur  (2002)
Writer/Producer/Director/Editor/Cinematographer/Composer and star Sam Mraovich failed to set the indie-drama world ablaze with his first movie- Ben and Arthur.  The plot is somewhat hard to describe, involving gay marriage, religious fanatics, demonic possession, sex shops, hit men, and Hawaii.  Upon it's release, the gay pop culture site Queerty named it "the worst gay movie ever", only to later retract the "gay" qualifier and simply declare it "worst. movie. ever."  The trailer, however, is a pot-boiler.

8.  School Spirit  (1985)
After a full 5 minutes of research on the web, here's the only info I could find on School Spirit, one of the many forgotten teen sex comedies from the mid-80s:  It's about a college student (played by 36-year-old Tom Nolan) who's killed while going out for condoms and comes back as a ghost to haunt his school.  That's it.  No other info.  Can't seem to find out if it's based on a true story or not.

7.  Praise Band  (2008)
There's one thing that most God-fearing people fear more than God- that a young, hip member of their congregation will start a Praise Band.  I'm not really sure why the thought of someone putting together a standard Christian-rock band would be so outrageous and disturbing to some of the older members of this church.  Maybe it takes place in the same town as Footloose. 

6.  Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College  (1991)
The Ghoulies series is probably most infamous for making little kids scared of using the toilet.  After I saw the sequel, I was terrified that a little monster might jump up and bite my butt off while on the potty (hey, I was only 19!).  After so many bathroom fatalities in the first two films, there was really only one place for the series to go- COLLEGE.

5.  Gymkata  (1985)
I know what you're thinking; Wouldn't it be cool if a gymnast on the pommel horse was kicking people in the face instead of just air?  The answer is yes.  Yes it would be.  Olympic gold medalist Kurt Thomas is recruited by the SIA (Special Intelligence Agency) to go to the fictional country of Parmistan to participate in The Game.  A martial arts tournament where he can combine his gymnast skills with that of ninjitsu.  Based on the novel accurately titled The Terrible Game.

4.  Superbabies:  Baby Geniuses 2  (2004)
Academy award winner/screen icon Jon Voight has the following lines of dialogue in this film:
"I'm warning you, Crowe, I'm Bill Biscane and if you touch my diapers you're fired."
"Normal? What do you know? You are not a real doctor... where's my soda pop?"
"Get them! Get them! Get them! Get the babies!"
Also, the movie should win some sort of award for having the most awkward sounding title on this list.

3. The Human Tornado (1976)
Somewhat of a sequel to star Rudy Ray Moore's 1975 craptastic-classic, Dolemite, Moore once again stars as the titular hero.  This time he's caught up in a web of...you know what?  I have no idea what this movie is about.  I've seen it three times and I'm still perplexed.  Given that it's a Dolemite film it has many, many strange and inexplicable scenes.  The trailer gives you a pretty good idea of what to expect.  Lots of jokes, done in Moore's archaic rap style.  Lots of gratuitous nudity.  And lots, LOTS, of slow, awkward, karate punches and kicks with loud foley.

2. Tiptoes (2003)
I have to be honest here, the first time I saw this trailer I kept waiting to hear the record-scratch and for the upbeat music to kick in, letting me know it was all a put-on.  Halfway through I realized this was a real movie and the people who made it were serious.  Now don't get me wrong, I think there's room for quality movies featuring little people like The Station Agent, but having Gary Oldman doing the shoes-on-knees trick in his "role of a lifetime" ain't it.

1. Honky (1971)
Love the title. And the tag line- "A love story...OF HATE."

Ten Badass Actors Singing (Like Little Girls Do!)

10.  Dolph Lundgren "A Little Less Conversation"
Most of the action heroes on this list got famous for playing hardass, reluctant heroes.  Lundgren is probably best known for trying to hurt or kill those same heroes in movies like Rocky IV and Universal Soldier.  Nevertheless, Lundgren has etched out a place for himself among the stars of the genre.  Here he is, doing a ridiculous cover of an overplayed Elvis song.

9. James Gandolfini "A Man Without Love" Romance and Cigarettes (2005)
Gandolfini, mostly known for his work as an obese, violent, asshole in...everything, sings lead off for John Turturro's pet project/bomb Romance and Cigarettes. This curio features Kate Winslet, Susan Sarandon, and Christopher Walken amongst others as blue collar New Yorkers that break into song. I wish all movies were this weird and ill-conceived.

8.  Arnold Schwarzegger  "Yakety Yak" from Twins (1988)
Twins proved to be a turning point in Schwarzenneger's career.  After it's success, Schwarzenegger went from being a superstar action icon to being a superstar action icon that made a couple of other crappy comedies and back to being a superstar action icon and then governor.  Here he is, jamin' to the oldies while a stewardess throws herself at him.

7.  Vin Diesel  "Tinman's song"
Can't wait for Fash Five 6.

6.  Steven Segal "Girl, It's Alright" from the album Songs From the Crystal Grave (2005)
Between being a Reserve Deputy Chief in Bumfuck, Louisana and appearing in forgettable straight-to-DVD masterpieces, Segal holds a secret passion...making Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt!  The greatest energy drink in the world, with flavors like Cherry Charge and Asian Experience.  Also, he enjoys boring people with R & B.

5.  Jet Li  "???"  from Kids of Shaolin 2 (1984)
I don't know what's going on here, because I don't speak Chinese.  From what I can tell, Li is a camp counselor trying to impress a girl by making fun of her through song.  Li pops up around the 0:45 mark and if he isn't dubbed, he probably has the sweetest singing voice on the list.

4.  Sean Connery "My Pretty Irish Girl" from Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)
There are two times when it's okay for guys to sing- when you're using a scythe or when you're beating someone up.  Connery sings while doing the former.  Saving himself a little embarassment.

3. Bruce Willis "Segram's Golden Wine Coolers" Segram's Commercial (1987)
Willis personifies the wise-cracking, American tough guy.  Which makes it odd that someone with a reputation for being a hardened smartass would humilate himself by singing his love for wine coolers.  A drink mostly enjoyed by 15-year-old girls.  Supposedly, his appareance in these commercials both boasted sales for Segrams and helped launch his singing career.  Seagram's later dropped him as a spokesman after he was arrested for DUI.  Presumingly after drinking too many peach fuzzy navels.

2. Sylvester Stallone "Stay Out Of My Bedroom" from Rhinestone (1984)
When casting the role of an aspiring country music star, you probably wouldn't think of Stallone.  But that was the premise behind one of 1984's biggest flops, Rhinestone.  Stallone plays a cabbie who's discovered by country crooner Dolly Parton and taken under her wing to become a Nashville hero.  The following year Stallone released Rambo and luckily wiped all memory of this project from the public's memory.

1.  Clint Eastwood "I Talk To The Trees" from Paint Your Wagon (1969)
If there's any movie that Eastwood regrets during his long and successful career, it has to be Paint Your Wagon.  This mega-budget Western-musical features the quintessential guy's guy, singing the wussiest song ever about how he talks to the trees because he can't share his feelings with the girl he loves.  That's it Callahan, turn in your and man-badge.

Ten Best Music Videos of 2011

10.  "Friday" Rebecca Black
Carp if you must, but there was a reason Rebecca Black got more than 167 million hits on Youtube in early 2011.  The video not only functions as a how-to for making professional looking music videos on the cheap, but also as a parody on the whole pop-starlet scene itself.  Whatever, fuck you.

9.  "Walk" Foo Fighters
I stopped listening to the Foo Fighters right about the time Kurt Cobain blew his brains out, which is to say, never.  Maybe I should've given them a chance.  Dave Grohl's tribute to Michael Douglas in Falling Down is pretty entertaining.  Especially if you haven't seen the goofy-ass movie itself.

8.  "Lonely Boy" The Black Keys
Every song should have an interpretive dance from this guy. 

7.  "Tell Me Something I Don't Know"  Herman Dune
I wish this was a series of clips from an upcoming buddy/road movie, but as a music video, it works just as well.

6.  "Go Outside"  Cults
I had never heard of of the band Cults before I saw this extremely creepy video.  It features lots of stock footage from Jonestown.  The inserts shots of the band are pretty flawless.  Luckily for them, America has produced many wacko cults over the years so they should have plenty of chances to appear alongside whichever one loosely fits their next song.

5.  "Bushman"  Kool Keith
One of the most prolific and underappreciated voices in hip-hop, Keith once again shows us that...well...I'm not sure what he's doing here.

4.  "Deathbound"  Mastodon
If you can recall Mister Rogers, then you're probably over 30, suburban, and white.  That being said, if you've imagined what the Land of Make Believe would be like during the Apocalypse, than this is the video for you.

3.  "Yonkers"  Tyler The Creator
There was one artist this year that brought liberals, conservatives, feminists, christians, and pretty much everyone else together in mutual dislike of him.  That takes talent. 

2.  "Is Tropical"  The Greeks
Some people found this video of young boys shooting each other repeatedly disturbing.  I assume those people have never been a 8-year-old boy.  They would know that playing "war" has been the favorite past time for young boys from now all the way back to the very first world war of 1978.

1.  "Jack Sparrow"  Lonely Island feat. Michael Bolton
I used to hate both Michael Bolton AND the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  Not anymore.